SpaCes betwEen the FingErS...

How come our fingers have spaces in between each of it?

Actually I don’t really know what would be my answer until the day I came to meet the woman who changed my life intuitively…

I’m just a chap with no direction in life, with everything to be rude to see, it became part of me to be boorish as my personality. Every day seemed to be an appalling day to meet, sordid moments to squander and immodest thoughts to reiterate. For 18 protracted years of my existence, this had been me… an awful me, the nauseating and repellent me. Some people would call me not by name but through my actions; the “hideous”.

But did they even look more deeply, why am I like this?

I grew to be lonesome and rebellious, not open to anyone’s outlook, denominative and lastly insensitive. I prefer working on my own, prefer taking risks for my own sake, and prefer life to be alone.

When all of a sudden;

The world began to change when I saw her stunning face, her astonishing inner beauty and bounteousness…

She was lurking at the busy road when I first saw her. We didn’t know each other yet but instinct made me seek her and scrutinize her luminous magnificence. I was then a cowboy that time; at first sight you would wrongly perceive my image. People would entitle me an “ex-con”… I smoke, I drink, and I have a goatee. Some would even call me rapist and a murderer but I don’t mind them; this is me, the kaput – lad. But then it all changed when I met her.

It took me many months before I grabbed my strength to commence myself to her. Shame would wrap me out giving me the reason why I can’t even come nearer to her; she might just pay no attention to my presence and even repugnance more so. With my image that time, anyone mouthful of air would in due course disgust me and get rid off of me.

It came to my mind, “what if…” I’ll amend for the better, for her to identify my subsistence…

From then on, little by little I became open to other group, to other peers; and they were shocked as I grew more mature and with straight bearing in life. I cut off my vices and had my haircut, which I hate most… joining organizations with fine objectives for molding others, I started back to zero basis.

With all the people I get along with, she was the only person who would see me as an individual with good heart and strong personality. I love her smile, her beautiful innocent smile but the fact that she doesn’t love me made feel unworthy, so useless.

We came along together at times but the fear of what would happen if I tell her I love her was bit a problem. I was afraid to be hurt… for the very first time, I felt fear in my heart. That fear that surrender my heart trying to overcome the good side of me.

Instead of moving forward I enthused backward going back the nasty side of me. A peculiar thing but she made me feel unloved; though she’s playing safe… I know she’s just playing safe in order not to be hurt.

In one corner of the alley, we cross paths and with intuition, we both stopped to feel each other’s presence…

She was shocked looking at me…

I tried my best to be as good to be recognized but it was a poseur for her to see…

Unrecognized, loathed, reviled, and unworthy…

I then asked her, “How come our fingers have spaces in between each of it?”…

But with fingers crossed, she did not even bother to answer it…

So I wrote this for her to know…

So when
U feel
All alone
With no 1 to hold on…

Just look at the
Spaces between
Ur fingers

And remember
That in
Those spaces…

U can feel
My fingers…
Locked with yours
Saying…

I’ll never leave you…

As tears pass through the edges of my skin…

Our hands held together tightly without thinking it was happening…