UNtitLeD

What’s the difference between “I love you” and “I’m in love with you”…? If there’s a name who could somewhat put in the picture that he/she loves you but definitely, he/she is not in love with you, I will utterly seek out that someone and let him/her elucidate this word-by-word if indispensable. It confuses me at some time the divergence between the two axioms.

There’s a sketch of narration I knew from a friend that could possibly relate it to this thoughts I’m perplexed at…

They articulate that if you plunge in love with a comrade… you’d experience the preeminent and nastiest emotion ever. If that’s so, better find a friend and you fell in love to that friend; it would look so dim-witted and frenetic. Carl Francis Leonard Jay Montalba; for once in his life, he never fell in love with a friend… But with just a glimpse of fate, he met a new and strange friend. He met her through gaze of smiles, eye contacts and lexis of acquaintance.
This lasso was attractively as ever, with her smoothened skin, pink cheeks, and red lips she made him fell into love. But prior to that insanity, he became her friend first…good friends they were, they enjoy each other’s company, talk about topics semi-private, many stuff in the same way.
But with the twist of faith, their thoughts outgrew to be intimate…so intimate that Carl did not even notice his longing for her to be gruesome.
It then came to a point of confusion and bewildering action of Carl Francis Jay to ask her, “Are you happy with me?” with impulses so intense, and heart beat so profound; his smile melted the lasso’s heart.

But there was NO commitment then…

So hard to love someone without commitment; that’s why it’s goddamn mindless and stupid to fall in love with a friend, especially when that friend loves you too but has no guts to even fight for that goddamn love. But the lasso was indeed love him but not in love with him which Carlo Francis Jay did not know until the day he left her. There are instances wherein Carl would try his very best to understand the lasso’s boy friends but still the stabbing pain he’s feeling was obnoxious, really obnoxious…

So if you want a mind-whacking quandary, try to confidentially love a close friend and you’ll see…

how complex the heart does when it outruns blood which gives you the guts to love.

SpaCes betwEen the FingErS...

How come our fingers have spaces in between each of it?

Actually I don’t really know what would be my answer until the day I came to meet the woman who changed my life intuitively…

I’m just a chap with no direction in life, with everything to be rude to see, it became part of me to be boorish as my personality. Every day seemed to be an appalling day to meet, sordid moments to squander and immodest thoughts to reiterate. For 18 protracted years of my existence, this had been me… an awful me, the nauseating and repellent me. Some people would call me not by name but through my actions; the “hideous”.

But did they even look more deeply, why am I like this?

I grew to be lonesome and rebellious, not open to anyone’s outlook, denominative and lastly insensitive. I prefer working on my own, prefer taking risks for my own sake, and prefer life to be alone.

When all of a sudden;

The world began to change when I saw her stunning face, her astonishing inner beauty and bounteousness…

She was lurking at the busy road when I first saw her. We didn’t know each other yet but instinct made me seek her and scrutinize her luminous magnificence. I was then a cowboy that time; at first sight you would wrongly perceive my image. People would entitle me an “ex-con”… I smoke, I drink, and I have a goatee. Some would even call me rapist and a murderer but I don’t mind them; this is me, the kaput – lad. But then it all changed when I met her.

It took me many months before I grabbed my strength to commence myself to her. Shame would wrap me out giving me the reason why I can’t even come nearer to her; she might just pay no attention to my presence and even repugnance more so. With my image that time, anyone mouthful of air would in due course disgust me and get rid off of me.

It came to my mind, “what if…” I’ll amend for the better, for her to identify my subsistence…

From then on, little by little I became open to other group, to other peers; and they were shocked as I grew more mature and with straight bearing in life. I cut off my vices and had my haircut, which I hate most… joining organizations with fine objectives for molding others, I started back to zero basis.

With all the people I get along with, she was the only person who would see me as an individual with good heart and strong personality. I love her smile, her beautiful innocent smile but the fact that she doesn’t love me made feel unworthy, so useless.

We came along together at times but the fear of what would happen if I tell her I love her was bit a problem. I was afraid to be hurt… for the very first time, I felt fear in my heart. That fear that surrender my heart trying to overcome the good side of me.

Instead of moving forward I enthused backward going back the nasty side of me. A peculiar thing but she made me feel unloved; though she’s playing safe… I know she’s just playing safe in order not to be hurt.

In one corner of the alley, we cross paths and with intuition, we both stopped to feel each other’s presence…

She was shocked looking at me…

I tried my best to be as good to be recognized but it was a poseur for her to see…

Unrecognized, loathed, reviled, and unworthy…

I then asked her, “How come our fingers have spaces in between each of it?”…

But with fingers crossed, she did not even bother to answer it…

So I wrote this for her to know…

So when
U feel
All alone
With no 1 to hold on…

Just look at the
Spaces between
Ur fingers

And remember
That in
Those spaces…

U can feel
My fingers…
Locked with yours
Saying…

I’ll never leave you…

As tears pass through the edges of my skin…

Our hands held together tightly without thinking it was happening…

Memories of Yesterday...:)

Cherish all memories

That both of us had done

Refreshing those days

You and I are one
Looking back yesterday
The day we first met

Until the day comes

You said to me “YES”

Even I lose everything
For you I’ll do anything
It’s a risk for me to take
Coz I know my heart might break

I’ve been hurt before
For I won’t take it anymore
And I hope it aren’t happen no more

So let your heart love me
As you had loved me “before".