TruSt (nOt ThE cOnDom)

How will you keep the pain if it swallows up your whole life and depletes your trust to your dear lone?
Trust… (Not the condom)

A problematical word; easy to say “I trust you”, but standing for it is the difficult part and the most perfidious is after the “trust” was tainted and devastated. They say love is enough, but really it’s not enough; for love alone is being selfish, being narrow and frail.

If you see the diverse angles in a mutual relationship, you can question manually… is it in actuality that love binds two persons into one; that’s why they’re called love-rs?

You notice, trust is undemanding… yet essential and valuable same as love but totally dissimilar when deserted. When love is ruined, it can be diverted into something that can aid the love back, BUT… if the trust is splintered; the whole thing is a mess, or becoming hysteria.

In liaisons, a person trusts her partner because he/she loves her and the other way around. So beautiful and refreshing at start, you enjoy every minute of your damn lives. You dine together, eat together, sleep together, go to places together, and do stuffs that both of you share together. But as time goes by, circumstances arise that will definitely test your bond together.

The fact that you love your partner, you trust him/her whole-heartedly…
The mimicry of relationships all boil down on how they deal with the trust between their partners. Meaning, when the trust is preserved and talked about clearly between partners, there’s no way or no sentient or non-sentient being that can tear them apart.

But in reality, it’s difficult to figure out.
The problem when we talk about trust… it’s on how you will trust the person. Or should I say, how will you control yourself trusting your partner.
If you’re being trusted, you should be able to know things that might dwindle the trust handed on you. You should be sensitive enough to know the hear-about of your partner. You might be doing things that unconsciously or subconsciously hurts your partner. That’s why open communication between partners is very vital. You might be unresponsive to the emotions afflicted by your partner; and it’s very frustrating like that.

Trusting a person is like gambling; gambling your wholeness to the person you consider being the half-recipient of your life.
If you want the trust to be potted and unsoiled, work on it, take care of it and don’t let someone put your trust into jeopardy.

SIMPLE rule of life…

If you want to be trusted, then be someone that can be trusted, someone knowledgeable about the things he/she does. Know the dos and don’ts of a relationship – that… most partners in this planet don’t know that’s why they end up loose and alienated. DIBA?

If you want to be trusted then DON”T DO things that will be questionable to you, to your deed and to your partner…

Simple anu? Pero mahirap gawin… mahirap gawan ng paraan.. kaw? Kaya mo ba?:)
-xan

Kiss the Rain

The same old feeling bumped around my mind, tousled and mortified. If not by her I would engage the very thickness envelope of shade of fallacy; the fallacy that imbibed the essence of the feeling, the feeling of being amalgamated with her. She has her prince and I have my baby, but everything changed when the loop of fate intertwined between us. The music repeatedly enhanced the momentum as she stares at me without a blink for once. She just stared at me as if she froze for a hundred light years. I met her eyes at one instance but I focused my sight at her stare and not into her eyes; her stare that moans around the room where we slept together, where we intensely exchange behaviours of love.

ShaLLoW DeEp WiThiN - ThE EnCoUnTeR...

Breaking the daylight with darkness, I started to pick the twigs scattered at the forest grounds. I had the whole night to lurk in the mist of the woods, and to seek for warmth, seeking for attention…for I’m cold, as cold as the freezing abyss of my sinister world. I first joined the company of fireflies at the swamp of Avalos where it all happened; where every misery I had first crop up.

I sat at the big boulder killing the time, watching the fireflies as they lit little radiance to the swamp. I had been thinking for several nights about my encounter with a human. It disturbed my quiet existence all at once.

I met “her” at this swamp…at this very swamp. She’s so aloof and detached from those others of her kind. She too had been watching the fireflies that occupy the whole fen, just watching inaudibly… but with this, her beautiful composure contradicts her muffled inward shell.

It was odd for me as specie of a different kind that I did not become aware of her presence…her smell was unbelievably dissimilar from those other human’s smell. It’s not that distinctive and effortless to distinguish, that’s why I stalked and gazed at her from a distance.

The crave of my body for food defies my mind to harm the human…I waited for her to leave the place but even more she came to notice my presence. Anxious and fretful, she looked at me as I stood at the top of the boulder. With a wink of an eye, I moved swift towards her trying to warn her and fall back…but it was useless. I moved even closer with a sharp stare at her, closer and closer…

I suddenly bunged and freezed, her eyes were as brown as mine; it was as brown as the brownest color ever tainted. As I stopped, words from her mouth thaw out my arctic heart…

“Why do you stay in this kind of place? …are you also here for the fireflies?” with voice so gentle and warm.

As to my astonishment, I draw my body back and heed to the fireflies…

“Yeah, I’m here for the fireflies. I can see that you are also here for those little lights.”
“No, I’m here to escape myself from other people.” She replied.

(Silence… as strange sounds from the darkness streaks)

“You must not stay any longer…it’s too dangerous out here.” in my head sensing the others of my kind approaching.

With no options to take, I grabbed and clutched her whole body at my chest as I ran rapidly.
She then was quite embarrassed but out of her mind staring at me, she did not even discern that we’re moving very fast extraordinarily. We reached the nearest road just a matter of seconds, and I dropped her down.

“What are you?!” affronted as she asked.
“It doesn’t matter; you have to go now…” with my heart pounding hard as I felt it for the first time for all the centuries I had gone into this world. I did not even bother to ask her name, we just stared at each other committing to our memory the figure of our visage.

And by then, she left.

A sAd LovE LeTTer

For you,

Before you read this letter of mine, I want you to know that by heart and soul… you’ll never be forgotten, that you’ll never fade in my thinking ‘til the day that dust shall eat my body. This, I wish you should read for nights of relentless and agonizing emotions I draw on, to finish this… I don’t know how to let this words be spoken but through this letter may I be able to say to you… a sad love letter I ever wrote, the saddest of all love letters I made.

………….The more I get rid off of the feeling, the more I get attached from you… your sweetness, your caress, your ever loving stare that melts my entire system. You make me move as if I will not get tired forever. You bloomed the day with great amity and love, you stapled my heart with hope that we’ll stay hand in hand, you made me believe that we’ll love ceaselessly.

But you’re confused… you dragged me into this emotion like a trap that has its pain and winding throbbing. You’re sweetness chased my very nerve to its doom to taste the bitter consequence of expectation. Your “I love you…” twinge this little organ in my chest that constantly seeks for your warmth, your lasting warmth.

At times that my soul needs another soul to hook upon to, you were there. All those memorable memories my wholeness had gone into, you were there. I don’t know why but something special between us keeps the flame of our relationship burning and surviving. You loved me as I had loved you but we parted ways to avoid conflict, to avoid pain.

We’re afraid to let the pain eat us and engulf our minds with hatred and fallacy. You made the choice; you left to escape the pain, to escape the emotion. You left because you don’t want the emotion to grow even more until the time that it can’t be proscribed.

You left without any words or thoughts to say, even a farewell… a formal farewell. We both know the feeling is there, the love is there but how can we nurture such feeling if we both know it’s too late to outburst the axioms of love publicly.

It’s a grave sin both of us will hurdle… that’s why you left, that’s why you run away from me.

I was left with nothing but questions, with nothing except for the memories we had. The good and heartwarming memories; do you remember

the day we first held hands,
the day we first stared at each other,
the day we walked together,
the day we saw a shooting star with hands locked at each other,
the day I first kissed you at the nose,
the day you said you love me and you miss me,
the day you held my back to ease the pain in me,
the night we shared the moment at the beach,
the hours of darkness I looked at you as if you’re the only obsession that surrounds me,
the night we clinched the moment as we gazed at the moon.

Do you remember all those thoughts of love…those untold and undefiled affection we shared.

I’m now facing this piece of shit with my mind tousled… why did you leave? Why…?

As I finish this diminutive epistle, I long to see your grin, your sugary smile even for the last moment…

Even for the last time.

With great hope,
From me.

ShaLLow DeeP WiThiN.,.

These lexis kept on reminding me how two worlds can never collide in murky ways…

“If you choose me over her, you’ll loose everything in your world… but if you choose her instead of me…. you’ll just loose me and no more.”

It kept on repeating on my skull, the thoughts, the memories, the love she offered and still offering to me… How did it end this way? Why did it end this way? Why?

Admonishing to divulge that this is a big mistake, I let it happen between the two of us. I did not give any promise to her; I just stared at her every now and then. The feelings imparted to our very skin began to flourish as the time became erratic. Minutes then turned into hours and into days and weeks even more, fate did its part to meet our paths as often as the sun rises everyday. Leaving the reality on the corners of the shadow and living in world where ennui is deficient, that became the edict of our dispirited liaison.
But I have to formulate a verdict that would possibly finish this fancy; I have to make things right. It’s unhealthy for us to continue this insanity I should say, for it breaks every breathing being as well as the not-human being who witnesses our fender-bender contact.
She’s not one of our kind and the fact that she’s a forbidden matter of our clan, makes my mind outburst and my heart to grow. I have no heart for I was not born for it; but when I began to know and be involved with her…it was nurtured with her magnanimous love.
The moment came when farewell knocks on our door to get her away from me…I want to congeal the time and steal her away, so far away that even any map finder cannot uncover us.

But that’s the way it has to be…

Things have to be done this way…

I have to let go of her to continue my existence; maybe without her presence I can do stuffs I usually do as a nightwalker… she may be gone for now but our paths will soon meet again; I can sense it, it’s skin-crawling.

My name is “Elliot”, I’m a lycanthrope… and this is my story.

SwEet paiN.,.

Everyday is like hostilities to me
They always admonish even though
They’re not in no doubt if really
I committed a mistake.

Why are they like that?
Why can’t they see my part?
Why don’t they snoop?
Is it really I who stanch mistake?

The accusations they confer to me
The diatribe they’ve inflicted to me
The throbbing and despondent thoughts,
What in this world is wide of the mark to me?!

It’s mom that ended me what is me at this instant,
She molded me as any mother would do
But she’s diverse; she’s really poles apart.
Why are you like that mom?

I’m getting bushed giving my being preeminent
But still you can’t and don’t recognize
Any of my achievements;
How come it’s defunct like this? How come mom?

You enriched me with teaching
Erudition and acumen of thought;
You, for all time told me to do well,
You always told me to do so.

BUT with just a single blunder,
All the good deeds, all those things are ruined?
It’s so iniquitous mom!
It’s really unfair…

Emancipation, reverence and most of all,
Snoop to me mom, please…
I plead for you mom, please listen
To your son;

As if you’re holding me in my collar,
Pungent me from freedom;
Relenting me to you’re fear of bringing up the rear me
Trepidation that I may reiterate your history with dad;

I put in the picture you mom, with my intact heart; I won’t ever do that.
I won’t destroy my dreams and
I’m not that dim-witted enough
To tag along with such transgression;

You falsify me from experiences of youth;
You congested me in bearing in mind
More things that I covet to see.
Even just for a foretaste.

I’m telling you now
That we’re not that alike mom, we’re not.
If you’re scrutiny that I would get hitched
at an untimely age devoid of edifying accomplishment;

I will make a new history not based on your past
But through my own way of
understanding things about the world today
And not the world that passed away.

I can prove that I’m right.

I will…

BaNqUeT oF faLse EmoTioNs.,.

She tried her very best to leave but the louder she shouts to the whole world that she’ll leave me, the more that it’s hard to let go – why? Is it me that she draws upon with great amity? Or am I just a piece of her wanted nobody...answer me Mister Webster for they say you hold every definition to unanswered terms. Answer me so that I can end this brain-wasting fallacy? Mind me or not, it’s just the same. Do you understand this? This or these? Which word should I use to match up the other axioms that will confuse every reader reading this…

Tranquilizing every term that would sedate my heart to what I feel, please make me abscond from this fantasy, from this banquet of false emotion.

CoNfuSe"d" Me...

As every night ends, as every single drop of minute finish, I can’t even find the right words to render to you; I’m deeply confused, seeking what is right for everyone; for her, for them, and for myself… I seemingly cried. How come I ended up like this? Foreboding and full blast wrecked in love with you. Sometimes, the feeling of discomfiture nags me instilling to my mind that you don’t even care about me. That there are times that the sentiment you showed upon me makes me wonder and fonder.

Confuse me more and you’ll see my eyes leaking in the arms not of you…

tAnGa...

It’s really hard to have a decision, a decision that would cost someone’s love to die and make someone live up and continue to love more; more so the fact that between the choices, the realization that costs will thaw out down to the very pelt of one’s own continuation. If you were given the chance and opportunity to be loved by two indifferent individuals, would you still manage to react on the mob’s critique? Or should you rather cover up your face and try walking backwards going back to the time where you had nothing to think about but yourself, just yourself. It makes me conjecture on why God gave me the same situation but with different sets of faces to deal with.
Am I too lethargic to handle such liaison? ...
Or am I that so contemptible to keep a fine and enduring relationship? ...
I love her because she loves me but the other one loves me but in a timid way, a way she could only recognize and myself to be befuddled at. I can’t let go of the emotion even though I know it would escort me to an appalling and throbbing end.
She did almost every convincing effort to make me realize that it’s worth fighting and worth loving, and with that I’m very thankful and warm-hearted to have her at my side...
But...
If I love her, i will tinge my name as well as hers...
What shall i do?.,. what MUST i do...

AdamAnT?...

_To whom it may concern_

I’m so tired being blamed of so many things that I did not even think about; accusing me of such, of such… ahhhhh!!!!!!!! I can’t even place the right words to my tongue to utterly and linguistically enunciate it. In this very moment I’m creating this literature, the judgment they’ve mete out crunches my own beating heart. It fuckin’ hurts when someone, someone you most deeply love hurts you… you know that, you’re fucking hurt by the ones you unconditionally love. Some people say its martyrdom, well, in a high-level way of understanding it; it’s stupidity actually. You know if you love someone, you do things that would make him/her happy and satisfied.

Meeting expectations are seemingly hard to meet; you see the logic; when you antagonistically pursue on something, the more things will go the wrong way. The more you insist yourself on something or onto someone! Oh my $#%*, you better pray for yourself.

At this very moment I just want to burst out not my anger but my lunacy about this chronic and very, very, very protracted agony of mine. You see…by the time my mind was reluctant to this really cruel world until now, it’s still a BIG question at the anteroposterior part of my hypothalamus

WHY ARE BLAMING ME OF EVERY WRONG DEED MADE INTO THIS WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!??????...

Little by little, I feel shammed, I feel locked down to early death because of distress and not stress.

SHE EVENLY FAMED ME AS A GREAT PRETENDER…

Self pity drives me out into the outcasts…
Self pity eats up every optimistic thing that nourishes my ego…
Self pity weakens me everytime she accuses me of something not good…
Self pity drags me into a thought of false humility…
Self pity devours my entire entity…
Self pity heaves my life into chaos…
Self pity slowly kills me.

1. Have ever got into a situation where you’re blamed of something grave which actually you did not even do it at the first place? You were just framed up or caught between the line of accusation and the meeting of chance…
2. Have you been accused of a very awful, mind-deteriorating, and beyond belief hearsay? And the saddest part is that even just a single word you articulate is not believed by HER… how heartwarming… very warm!!!
3. Have you been into a situation that even HER acts insensitively to your feelings…

“Anu? Kaw lat meada nerve endings ha lawas?? Para tim kalugaringon la tim pag inisipon kun mahuhurt ka?? Anu naman la ak?? Masakit gad kun sugad guin sasaup kan mga butang nga di ko man hinimu… kaw daw it sugaron?? Sige daw kun MAANU?? Diba di ka ghap maayun?? Maaram ak nga I had not been as good as you’d been expecting in me… pero grabe man liwat, bisan wa nak hinihimo, you make me feel that I’m unworthy, I’m as prodigal as mentioned in the holy scriptures, nga kulang nala ada ipapilit mo ha ak nawong nga sugad ak nga tawo… nga wa na ak pag asa pagbag-o…Gusto ko gad magbag-o, kinakapoy na kasi ak hin sugad hine nga kinabuhi…”

A very grave punishment for just a simple and common mistake…

_mAkeS sEnSe?_

i NeEd a ForMuLa..:(

as i looked at your pictures, i can feel your skin touching mine..., the tightness of your grasp to my hands...

so comfortable to think those ironical thoughts we have in mind were seemed to be happening...

thank you for letting me know what really has to be known, and sorry for loving you this silently, this obscurely..

soon, someday or whenever...

things will be fine especially to both of us...

one thing is true... everything that happened between the two of us were all true...

no masks, no hidden agendas, no planned plans...

please don't leave... that's what my heart is telling me now, stay with me as we struggle with this. i can't afford to loose someone like you...

i just can't... no explanations, no false thoughts...

i love you and that's my answer to your question...

UNtitLeD

What’s the difference between “I love you” and “I’m in love with you”…? If there’s a name who could somewhat put in the picture that he/she loves you but definitely, he/she is not in love with you, I will utterly seek out that someone and let him/her elucidate this word-by-word if indispensable. It confuses me at some time the divergence between the two axioms.

There’s a sketch of narration I knew from a friend that could possibly relate it to this thoughts I’m perplexed at…

They articulate that if you plunge in love with a comrade… you’d experience the preeminent and nastiest emotion ever. If that’s so, better find a friend and you fell in love to that friend; it would look so dim-witted and frenetic. Carl Francis Leonard Jay Montalba; for once in his life, he never fell in love with a friend… But with just a glimpse of fate, he met a new and strange friend. He met her through gaze of smiles, eye contacts and lexis of acquaintance.
This lasso was attractively as ever, with her smoothened skin, pink cheeks, and red lips she made him fell into love. But prior to that insanity, he became her friend first…good friends they were, they enjoy each other’s company, talk about topics semi-private, many stuff in the same way.
But with the twist of faith, their thoughts outgrew to be intimate…so intimate that Carl did not even notice his longing for her to be gruesome.
It then came to a point of confusion and bewildering action of Carl Francis Jay to ask her, “Are you happy with me?” with impulses so intense, and heart beat so profound; his smile melted the lasso’s heart.

But there was NO commitment then…

So hard to love someone without commitment; that’s why it’s goddamn mindless and stupid to fall in love with a friend, especially when that friend loves you too but has no guts to even fight for that goddamn love. But the lasso was indeed love him but not in love with him which Carlo Francis Jay did not know until the day he left her. There are instances wherein Carl would try his very best to understand the lasso’s boy friends but still the stabbing pain he’s feeling was obnoxious, really obnoxious…

So if you want a mind-whacking quandary, try to confidentially love a close friend and you’ll see…

how complex the heart does when it outruns blood which gives you the guts to love.

SpaCes betwEen the FingErS...

How come our fingers have spaces in between each of it?

Actually I don’t really know what would be my answer until the day I came to meet the woman who changed my life intuitively…

I’m just a chap with no direction in life, with everything to be rude to see, it became part of me to be boorish as my personality. Every day seemed to be an appalling day to meet, sordid moments to squander and immodest thoughts to reiterate. For 18 protracted years of my existence, this had been me… an awful me, the nauseating and repellent me. Some people would call me not by name but through my actions; the “hideous”.

But did they even look more deeply, why am I like this?

I grew to be lonesome and rebellious, not open to anyone’s outlook, denominative and lastly insensitive. I prefer working on my own, prefer taking risks for my own sake, and prefer life to be alone.

When all of a sudden;

The world began to change when I saw her stunning face, her astonishing inner beauty and bounteousness…

She was lurking at the busy road when I first saw her. We didn’t know each other yet but instinct made me seek her and scrutinize her luminous magnificence. I was then a cowboy that time; at first sight you would wrongly perceive my image. People would entitle me an “ex-con”… I smoke, I drink, and I have a goatee. Some would even call me rapist and a murderer but I don’t mind them; this is me, the kaput – lad. But then it all changed when I met her.

It took me many months before I grabbed my strength to commence myself to her. Shame would wrap me out giving me the reason why I can’t even come nearer to her; she might just pay no attention to my presence and even repugnance more so. With my image that time, anyone mouthful of air would in due course disgust me and get rid off of me.

It came to my mind, “what if…” I’ll amend for the better, for her to identify my subsistence…

From then on, little by little I became open to other group, to other peers; and they were shocked as I grew more mature and with straight bearing in life. I cut off my vices and had my haircut, which I hate most… joining organizations with fine objectives for molding others, I started back to zero basis.

With all the people I get along with, she was the only person who would see me as an individual with good heart and strong personality. I love her smile, her beautiful innocent smile but the fact that she doesn’t love me made feel unworthy, so useless.

We came along together at times but the fear of what would happen if I tell her I love her was bit a problem. I was afraid to be hurt… for the very first time, I felt fear in my heart. That fear that surrender my heart trying to overcome the good side of me.

Instead of moving forward I enthused backward going back the nasty side of me. A peculiar thing but she made me feel unloved; though she’s playing safe… I know she’s just playing safe in order not to be hurt.

In one corner of the alley, we cross paths and with intuition, we both stopped to feel each other’s presence…

She was shocked looking at me…

I tried my best to be as good to be recognized but it was a poseur for her to see…

Unrecognized, loathed, reviled, and unworthy…

I then asked her, “How come our fingers have spaces in between each of it?”…

But with fingers crossed, she did not even bother to answer it…

So I wrote this for her to know…

So when
U feel
All alone
With no 1 to hold on…

Just look at the
Spaces between
Ur fingers

And remember
That in
Those spaces…

U can feel
My fingers…
Locked with yours
Saying…

I’ll never leave you…

As tears pass through the edges of my skin…

Our hands held together tightly without thinking it was happening…

Memories of Yesterday...:)

Cherish all memories

That both of us had done

Refreshing those days

You and I are one
Looking back yesterday
The day we first met

Until the day comes

You said to me “YES”

Even I lose everything
For you I’ll do anything
It’s a risk for me to take
Coz I know my heart might break

I’ve been hurt before
For I won’t take it anymore
And I hope it aren’t happen no more

So let your heart love me
As you had loved me “before".

“I don’t know why but it’s not what the exterior splendor that made me love her, I don’t know what completed me to be in love with her…I just did without any uncertainty.”

I met her in an unexpected jiffy of my existence; steadily I grabbed all my strength to ask over her name. She jammed me at first sight; she’s not that God damn striking, but she’s uniquely eye-catching. I became a dupe of her alluring charm. She’s that type of gal that’s trouble-free, standoffish type but in the Lord’s way her smile melts every being that would embrace her bliss.

As I was approaching her, with great ignominy and bashful sentiment I smiled at her. Waiting for a reply, I unnoticed her looking at my identification card. I blushed for a moment and went to the point immediately; acquaintance then began and it grew to be wholesome. With serendipity, we became classmates and even more group mates.

There are times that she would catch me stunning at her and she would eventually lift her eyebrows asking me if I have something to say; but I always give a smiling nonverbal response. She can sense the emotion that I was trying to express but she’s afraid and even not interested to what I feel. Succumbed with great depression, I glimpsed at her virgin splendor and stayed away from her.

Days turned into months and we became uncomfortable with each other’s presence; so sad to imagine from an outgrown friendship, it turned to be an apathetic predicament. I want to go near and nearer but the fear of being drawn away kept my feet stuck on my position.

My days were empty without her in my sight and side, so hurting but that’s the way it has to be. I have to accept this reality. It came into an instance that I was invited to her 18^th birthday, with all the hesitation I made it came out to be a “yes” when she personally invited me. With a gleam optimism of contact, I made it to her birthday.

“The ambiance of the place tickled my skin for a minute or two but as I saw her in front sitting like a princess, my heart was filled with so much excitement and gawkiness. After sometime, she then came to our table and greeted our presence. She poked me with a smile and it seemed that there was nothing to be doubtful about. I don’t know why but it’s not what the exterior splendor that made me love her, I don’t know what completed me to be in love with her…I just did without any uncertainty.”

The flow of the party ended me up doomed as my name was concealed as the 17^th of her eighteen roses. I almost fainted as my name was fluently and glibly mentioned; and also to her shock, it made me pity myself ‘coz I wasn’t prepared for that moment.

“Time seemed to slow down as we held hands together and began moving our feet with agreement. We were both introverted for that case in point; for the first time I danced with a debutant whom I longed for so real. If only I can make the moment stop for eternity and steal her presence, I would have to…but instance is just not invariable.”

We parted ways; both made a glimpse for the last time…and goodbye.

Is 8 oK iF i caLL YoU MinE... JuSt 4 A tYm :(

I fell in love with someone that i must not plummet in love hooked on...

So fanatical to assume that it haunts me every minute in my verve...
She's charming, caressing, and so affectionate that loving her is just as unproblematic as picking up the sand in a spacious assortment of shoreline....

Please bare with my sentiments right now...
i just can't take it to myself...
i don't know if i'm this dim-witted enough to say...

"i'm falling for her..."

at a snail's pace, I’m falling…for her,

Bob Ong...?

ShE HoLdS mE TiGht...

She holds me tight, as if she doesn’t want someone to replace me in her heart…

Days of a young initiate relationship: At first, I have no scheme as what sort of person she is, I came to know her through text messages, phone calls and through untamed interpretations from close friends of her which is eventually my colleagues now. This was a year and a half ago; one of my friends used my cellular phone to text her high school classmate. Fortuitously, she forgot to erase the message and the number replied as I went home. A snap of acquaintance happened; we became attached through those messages we exchange until midnights. It soon became a part of my routine to leave a message for her; and I know she would always have a reply. We enjoyed the topics we’ve discussed not considering the time, everytime we have communication. It’s my first time to be texting until 4 o’clock in the morning. The chemistry soon formulized our bonding; it came to an instance that we have pet names of us solely.

I call her “munchkins” and she calls me “macaroons”; so funny at first ‘coz we were talking about foods one night. She always give me the floor to open up topics, she’s shy she said that’s why she doesn’t want to open topics first. She’s always the first person that would greet me good morning, she sends quotes for optimism ( But she’s not that optimistic, I know… ), she soon made my day complete. She always reminded to eat my meal well, to take care always and if I have time to text her; but we’re not into commitment. I did not attempt to be into courtship because she told me not to do so. I dwelled on the pain but something made me uplifted and pursue.

A negative motivation: “WHY should he call you munchkins? Why? Is he your boyfriend?” a friend of her squarely asked…

She told me about it: No thought came into my mind as I hear those blood-pricking words; I don’t know what to say… my mind became dumb, and my heart choking. I suddenly freeze on an instantaneous and left her unanswered. Days passed and she became fretful that no message from me did she receive. I can’t react on the question, I felt guilty…I don’t know why but the feeling was the same. It came to a point that I have no option but to promise not to call her by that name, even if it’s against my will.

We continued knowing each other and this time we started to have an eyeball. I was so excited then that for the first time after a long time we will see each other face-to-face. We can’t decide for an exact time for our meet so the opportunity slowly went away. But one afternoon, unpredictably, the event of looking her personally came into reality. She’s so gorgeous, naive, stunningly beautiful ( for me… ), and dazzling.

From then on, our meeting was followed by another. I tried my best to insert my time for her in my chaotic schedule. “If there’s a will, there’s always a way…” she started to like me. We joined together lunch breaks and even share the same food. I over and over again gazed at her, looking at her bright brown eyes. I often asked her if what she desires for a chap to be as finicky as ever. She told me not anything to have no idea as to what to do; meaning, she wants me to act as innate; she wants to see the real Christian Jay Cañeda without any concealing outfit. I have nothing to hide and what you see in me is already the real me. And that, she realized after a month of courtship ( Gee, my longest moment in time for courtship… ).

Now, this infantile liaison I hope would be the last… not expecting this to be a perfect one but I do anticipate that this would the right one. I hope that this would be strengthened as the years pass by, as the moments fade away, and as our age expire. We know that we love each other; I can see and feel it. She makes me feel it that way…

Of all the quotes I’ve read since the very beginning, I do believe this one:

“A man is lucky to win a woman’s first love,

but a woman is even luckier to win a man’s love the last…”

LittLe TaLeNt

Little talent…

This now my 5^th year in this untiring hobby of mine, or should others say a talent; almost all my friends made it as a trademark in me. I’m an instrumentalist; I first knew that I’m good at it when it held my hand way back during my childhood days. I was just a little lad when I hear my grand parents sing and dance into the beat of their music (the Ku-ra-cha) “grrrrrrr!!!” they would tease each other as they glance. I was 12 at that time, just observing what the oldies are doing. By the age of 14, I gathered all my courage to ask for a gift; “an acoustic guitar”. I knew my mom would restrain me from this foolishness but I still tried. I did not expect but I was hoping… mom was amazed and shocked eventually on my little favor. “A guitar, as you wish” she evenly told me. From that time on, the little talent of mine grew to be a sharp skill. Slowly but surely, I learned the know-how’s of plucking, strumming the guitar but I’m not saying that I’m perfectly expert at it. I know the basics and these are the important things you must learn. You can’t make an original style of music if you don’t know the basics. You can’t compose songs if you don’t know those basics that I’m talking about. Just be natural in every way whenever you play the guitar or any other instrument. Relax, be yourself, don’t act like somebody! You make fame out of your own name. Don’t mimic somebody just to be known and applauded, be original. Those thoughts are always in my mind whenever I perform on stage with my guitar. Through plucking the guitar, I can let go of my feelings…really. I even cried once after I played a sad song for my mom; I composed a song for her but I never sung it to her up to now. And mere time washes away the lyrics of that song. I can’t imagine myself, that from a little observer into a guitarist and a singer. Every time I struck the guitar, every time I struck a chord, the ones who will hear it will hear the music of my heart. They will hear what inside me, who is Christian jay behind those music notes.

For the one I used to lay my life to…

For my beloved friend Lowill, for being an inspiration of this literary work…

The green lushes of the view reminded me of her, standing beside me telling me how she loved me so much, forever, for eternity. And now I’m here in this dreaded bench all alone and withered because of pain and misery. Why am I feeling this?? This unpleasant emotion of love I’m in to. The cold breeze kills me slowly, as I face reality that I will wake up every day with out no one on my side. She used to laugh at my jokes and would hold on my shoulders and sometimes even bit me. She’s so sweet and caressing so much but was like a plague that washes all this memories.

It traumatized my heart that from her lips the bitterest words I’ve ever heard in my entire life. It was just short but the effect it made into my heart was so long until now I’m still mourning on what happened. She stabbed my heart so badly that it bleeds like the love I poured into her for over a year. It was a year of happiness, contentment and affection; a year of unending dream with her. But I’m now hanging on what to do; I’m dashed between the test of time and the selfishness of my longing for her.

I love you no more… she evenly told me. That disgracing moment almost killed me. It made my heart stop for a second or more. That moment she told me so, it popped out from my mind the days she always told me that she loves me, that she will love me forever. Is this forever what you’re talking about? I go crazy thinking why it happened to us, how come that she fell out of love for me. I’ve been as good as ever to her, to our relationship. Damn her, I told myself as cry insentience. For her I tried not to cry, I tried to understand, I tried not to weep but it fuckin’ hurts. I build my world with her, because of her and for her.

Now I wake up everyday, senseless, useless and frantic. I seek an advice from a friend on what would be the best option on my situation. I’m lost in this wilderness I used to live in with her as my queen. I was humiliated of myself as I see my friend looking at me with pity. He told me how I was doing, if what would be my plan now… no word can explain how I feel. Losing her is like losing a battle hundreds of years you’ve been fighting for. But my friend stayed hushed, he started to sense the situation. Suddenly, he pointed at something.

“You see that little flower”, a puny little blossom tangled and destroyed not long that’s what he was pointing at. Then he became still… “Building a relationship is similar to planting an elegant type of flower. At the very beginning, you must strive hard to build a foundation of trust, understanding, and many other things and I presume you already know that. If you’re thinking that this will be the end of your relationship, I can probably say you’re wrong bai ’, this could be just a test for the both of you two. Just like a plant, if now that its branches are tormented down and nearly dead. Sooner or later, it will branch back again and bloom just as it bloomed before. There’s always a reason for every thing that happen to us, to all of us. Don’t put your world into chaos, damn!! There are still many things you need to know. Even the wisest person is still ignorant in some ways, so why grieve?? I’m just here; your friends are just here if you need someone to talk to.”

It touched a chord in my silent and bleeding heart, those words he mentioned to me… he’s like my mom scolding me while smiling. It relieves my nerve but it strokes my heart so bad, just so bad. I gasped heavily as thank my friend.

The wind blew differently; it was so heavy even my body can’t take a chance to move. I was steadily seating still in this bench we used to share. Just the two of us, just the affection we enjoyed together.

But as the days gone by, the months vanished and the years came alongside so easily, time seemed to cure the wounds in my heart. The pain and misery I used to succumb in my close-minded wits bruised my individuality to open new doors. If I stick to the same old feeling for her, it would be unhealthy for me to pursue. It came into my mind the chance of loving once again, of building a whole new world with someone whom I can share the rest of my life.

But suddenly, I saw “her” again…with someone new.

FiRsT LoVe

First Love…

I’ve been to many relationships already, those mutual ones; I had even more know-how than my grown-up cousins when it comes to love drives and at all frankly speaking. It all started in my high school days when I first knock down in love to this gal whom I used to call as a friend. She’s syrupy, cuddly, and she’s taller than me. J I even hoist my head a little bit higher just to gaze at her. So funny to imagine but what makes it more comical is that when she hugs me, she would kneel her knees down to the floor then hugs me tight like a little boy. I was a freshman then when I first encountered my first ever liaison and my partner was senior student. At that time I was just a go-looking boy, just stays put in my seat, aloof and most of all silent. I prefer myself to be alone than to be with other boys there playing under the sun. But at the instance I met her, things began to adjust. I become skilled at how to fix my dangling hair, apply some perfumes on my clothes and I began carrying a handkerchief which before I really hate to bring. She really turned my world upside down, making an immense twist of my bulky head. Since then, we became close apiece to other. I, in next to no time learned how to deal things over when it comes to mutual drop a line to my opposite gender. Initially, it makes my heart quiver like a drum, even more when she caresses my crust. For everything that I never knew, she then makes me realize all those things. The “love” what they call, first stroked my naive and virgin spirit.

Nevertheless things went off beam! For the raison d'être that she’ll be graduating on that same year, she was left with no option but to abscond me. Months before her parting, she showered me with the preeminent of what’s paramount that has to be given and taken in a relationship. She sends mail and feelings of love to me, but I knew for myself that all of this would end. That the whole thing will amend, I don’t know if it’s for the better or the shoddier consequence. But one thing I discern, this will come to a finish. I was worried so much that for an instance, she faded. I observed to my sight that someone’s missing and I then knew that she was not almost on our campus. Upon knowing that she’s leaving before now, I tried my awfully best to arrive at their home seven miles away from where I was footing that split second. I used my bike to make it to the place even though the sun was raging up for it was lunch time. Unfortunately, everything was over… she left the place days before I knew she left, she left me.

She ended me to suffer the earliest diverse sentiment I ever felt in my heart, just in my heart and nowhere else. It’s like she ripped off my heart and squeezed it so stiff for all the blood to leak out. For God sake, I was profoundly impaired. L I became a lifeless psyche with an existing corpse. Day after day, I went back to our meeting place hoping she would come back. My mind flew everywhere and the thought of her drawn to the clear sky. I spent every day staring at the ceiling or at the window in my room. There came a moment that the love fallout to be anger. The question she left in the palm of my hand. WHY? What made you run off devoid of any assent from me? Why did you leave me? No day that came off, that my eyes were filled with tears and my heart aching and beating so heavily; such burden, such agony.

After a protracted due of time, it was July 25^th, my birthday when I received a letter from an unsigned. It was wrapped with a card which has writings of her. At first, I hesitated to get the letter but my wits and heart kept in disagreement about it. Until such instance that I obtain and read the letter:

“I’m sorry for leaving without any compliance, for hurting you so much. I was planning to meet you at our meeting place you know where it is. But my parents scolded and inhibited me from going to. I was afraid to tell you, in front of you that I would be leaving. I know you’re hurting still right now of what happened. The pain you’re having is the same pain that stabs my heart up to now. I miss you so much and even more. I wrote this letter with all sincerity thinking that you would suspect that I wrote just to tell you about my obscure farewell. I wrote this letter to let you feel that I’m still here…longing for your warmth, longing for your love. I don’t know if this is the right decision I’ve made; to love you still but this is one thing I know, I’m happy to love you. I’m not forcing you to love me back ‘coz I know distance we have would be a bit of a problem. There’s no assurance and there are many possibilities. I hope understand, I love you that’s why I’m setting you free now. Don’t worry I did not left because someone has replaced you in my heart, it’s just that it’s just the way it has to be. If in time you and I are still free and if it’s the right time, I won’t let you go away from my side. Goodbye for now. Goodbye my love…”

Greetings on your birthday…

Farewell,

Mary

BeSsY

To my beloved best friend who gives her best time for me…

This is for you…

It was a freezing early Monday morning, when I unexpectedly beeped to my cellular phone waiting for the text of my bessy. She’s a “she” regardless of her age, she was my best friend. I met her in class room; I was just seated and glancing the transom when all of a sudden this lady sits next to my chair. I was dazed at first, stunning at her goddess beauty. I can’t accept as true to myself that I’m sitting alongside such a divine lad.

I was astounded by her beauty that I even stared at her for over a minute or more. What makes it more beautiful when she smiles at me, it makes my heart go crazy, making my heart harder to beat. I presumed to myself that the coming days will be greater ‘coz each day that would go by is as striking like her. Every dawn as I wake up, the nerve of going to school barely frenzied my body. I rush to our campus to be with her, with virgin beauty, her long-lasting splendor.

The days turned into months but I did not stop lurking at her essential beauty. I soon became emotionally involved to her. She made me laugh at some time, as well as I, myself made her laugh.

We enjoyed always the moment together, we share private topics, talk about love stories, and even share the same food (Cream O). It was fun being with her, it was really fun. She’s a different type of girl, she’s frank, honest, and true and sweet, oh good grace she’s really sweet.

There was an instance that we went to their house to have lunch. She’s stunningly beautiful as she walks towards me. Acting that I just ignore her beauty, I stay still just looking at her. She knows how to cook, and she knows how to cook my favorite dish. She habitually asks me what boys want to satisfy their hunger. If merely she knew, just staring at her already satisfies my hunger. I lightheartedly answered her.

Except, there’s one occurrence that we have to part ways, our blossoming friendship twisted into madness. I’ve made the biggest blunder in my life; I fell in love to my best friend. At first, I deny it to my self but a dear friend of mine told me that it’s noticeable, it’s really obvious. Even “her” my best friend nodded at me saying that I love her. Of course I love her!!! So much, more than a lover can give ‘coz I’m her best friend.

To save myself from their finger pointing, I just smiled at them; I smiled at her and waved at her a farewell. Through a text message, I confessed it to her. I mean no harm and I did not plan that way, to be her best friend and then a lover. I told her all the reasons why I landed up to that emotion I had for her. She already knew it even before I realized that I loved her. Through actions and sense, she predicted that there will be something that would come up with our company.

The bittersweet part, her suitor, was a solid friend of mine. I slapped my heart to stop longing for her, ending with her in respect to her suitor. From that time on, the beautiful days of our friendship began to diminish. Only through text I can feel her presence; only through glimpse I can view her splendor.

Deciding for the right option was easier said than done to me, I discern what to choose but I’m troubled of what would be the outcome… she’s the best I have and I don’t want to loose her… but I love her.

It would be best to love a best friend, not as a lover but more than a lover…

“There are things that are so near to you but you can’t even have a touch at it.

There are thoughts only sought for someone and not similar to others…

And, there are those people who would be at your side for a moment,

But all of a sudden the moment was gone, evermore.”